Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Hopeless cause Tuesdays: mullet awareness.

Hello there! I have decided to dedicate Tuesday's posts to hopeless causes. These are the causes no one fights for because not only are they hopeless, they have little or no impact on society. They are eyesore problems no one really tries to solve in light of other more pressing issues. This makes them fit properly under the heading "Benign Ideas".

Today's hopeless cause:

Mullets. I am a firm believer in being able to express oneself in any fashion. Every person has the right to do what they will with their body, their hair, and their body parts.
My stance on this issue is that while I am pro-choice, I am also anti-mullet. So the argument immediately can be set against me that if I do not like mullets, then I should not get one myself. This is true, and I respect people's decisions to have and to not have their mullet. However I feel as though it is my righteous duty to educate others about the dangers of mullets.
According to wikipedia, mullets were grown to keep the neck from being sunburned while still providing a breeze through the top of the hair. In this sense, it is a practical haircut for people in such industries like fishing, farming, lifeguarding, and desert camel rental (though many people in the latter industry opt for headscarfs, a safer more removable form of "cloth mullet").
Mullets present many dangerous psychological side effects.
1.Loss of identity. You may become known as the girl/guy with the mullet instead of your own name. Your name can be replaced with Mullet Boy/Girl, Mullet Head, Mullet Face, and, the most devastating Mullet *insert your name here*, thereby mixing your birth identity permanently with a haircut decision that may have taken a split second. This nomenclature may stick even years after you have removed the haircut.
2.Mullet upkeep is tedious and one may find themselves obsessively tending to their mullet after recieving their first mullet to avoid looking like an ill-tended palm tree sporting excessive dead leaf growth. This mullet maitenance can take precious seconds away from family commitments.
3. Mullets have the double edged sword of simultaneously raising one's carnal libido while simultaneously drastically reducing the sexual desirability of the wearer. This can lead to madness, depression, and chafing.
4. Mullets can lead to more dangerous hair complications such as rat tails, which have been proven the leading cause of death in areas heavily populated by large birds of prey.
I again stress that whether or not you choose to have your mullet is strictly up to you, however I pray that you consider the effect that your mullet may have on your loved ones. Along with headscarfs there are several loving options availible to the general public such as mullet wigs, large floppy hats, dreadlocks, and children that like to ride on people's shoulders. Consult a stylist about what option works best for you.
Choose what is best for your hair-think twice before getting a mullet.
Because why have a hairstyle that says "Velveeta" when it could say "Pesto Brie"?

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