Thursday, June 5, 2008

Heroes and misc.

First off, if you really need my insanity and I don't update, read yourself some Mark Leyner because he is better at what I do.

Innefective Superheroes

-Captain Narcolepsy
-The Agoraphobe
-Carniwhore. Specializes in uncanny imitations of raw meat.
-Awkward Silence Boy
-The Bystander
-The Captain Boy Man. (an amalgam of male superhero prefixes and suffixes).
-John McCain in spandex
That last one has a potential to be a fab supervillain.

I think that improv everywhere should get someone to put on false beaver teeth and gnaw on vertical wooden objects. Or hover around the Hoover dam looking posessive. Or they should hold a beaver king paegent for the Hoover dam annually. That'd be great. The Governator would probably be able to win that one. Governor of California and Beaver King of the Hoover Dam. What a great way to introduce someone.
I've invented the ultimate pick up line for hetero boys:
"Hey, do you want some of this chocolate? I was going to give it to my girlfriend tonight but she kind of broke up with me on the phone before I got here... "

Saturday, May 3, 2008

More rejected non fiction book titles

-Who let the logs out? The art of competitive pooping
-The sound of purple: one man's trip
-Personal salvation through wanking
-My nose hurts!
-It takes a village to cause a Wal-Mart
-My meth lab brought all the boys to the yard
-Cannibalism: what friends are fork
-The 7,000,000 habits of highly effective OCD.
-Battle of the bulge: fashion tips for kleptomaniacs
-What's so hot about pyromania?
-How my attention span got

Wednesday, April 30, 2008


I admire the exclamation point. Of all the sentence enders, it has the most profound effect. While a question mark causes a weird uncomfortable turn in the tone? A period is just boring. But an exclamation point! WOW!!!! How amazing!
The english major in me wishes that there were more punctuation marks like the exclamation point. I want to create a system of punctuation that has new endpoints to completely change the tone of your sentence into variations ranging from loud and angry to obscure variations like "growling like you have laryngitis and replacing your r's with w's".
I originally wanted to do this by using the red-headed stepchild of fonts, wingdings. But I realize that most of those symbols are two complex to handwrite, already have meanings, and they often change on you the minute you copy and paste them somewhere else. Useless.
So instead I'll just name the marks. Possibly draw them later.

The Feariod-Gives the sentence a dry, frightening, murderous and psychotic tone, said with wide eyes and no laughter. "I killed your parents".
The Bleariod-For blue lies (read a spectrum of lies if you do not know of my lie color-coding system).
The Ejaculation Point-A mark to imply that the sentence sounded like you said it during an orgasm.
The Agitation Point-Pretty self explanatory. Loudly and angrily, or loudly and sarcastically.
The Sequestion Mark-The tone of the sentence takes on a tone of a pass, seduction, peer pressure, or the soliciting of a prostitute.
The Gravitation Point-only for long sentences, implying that you start saying the sentence at the lowest possible tone your voice can possibly go, or the lowest possible volume. Then you crescendo so that by the time you reach the gravitation point you are either squealing or screaming.
The Descension Point-opposite of the gravitation point.
The Fuddulation Point-everything is said in an Elmer Fudd voice.
The Rhestion Mark-Rhetorical question mark. The world would be less confusing, truly. Especially on instant messenger.
The Excremation Point-Implying that you said the sentence in the same strained tone of voice one requires when taking a particularly large and difficult shit. Good for breakups.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Hopeless Cause Tuesdays: Birds without Air

The biggest privelege that god bestowed on our feathered friends is the gift of flight. It is a gift we give to our superheroes. It is a gift we dream about. We even get so jealous that we build giant metal birds that smell like freeze dried coffee and inhalants and suck real birds into their engines.

But what about the birds who remain on the ground? Chickens? Penguins? These are the unfortunate birds who can't fly. It is a horrible evolutionary mis-step. I feel as though if we can develop vision correction surgery and make giant hunks of metal fly, there should be no moral qualms about giving birds the gift of flight via robotic enhancement. Perhaps chickens would be less ill tempered if they got a piece of the sky a few hours a day before being asked to systematically give birth or be killed for delicious culinary purposes.

And penguins...well, the picture should speak for itself.

Support this cause. Because without flight, what is the point of birds?

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

rejected self-help book titles/ inspirational memoirs

-Poop out your feelings
-Chicken Soup for the Vegetarian's Soul (if it exists, I demand to know why)
-The Audacity of Grope: Journeys of a Barfly
-How I Made Cancer Drop the Soap
-A Million Little Red Bumps
-Chasing the Dragon, Finding the Potbelly: How Bacon Got Me Away From the Needle.
-Beastiality, Shmeastiality.
-I Got 99 Problems but Internal Bleeding Ain't One.
-You Can Pick Your Friends, You Can Pick Your Food, but You Can't Shove Your Penis in A USB Port.

Monday, April 21, 2008

Creative comebacks/ insults

How many times have you wanted to have a decent comeback, but all you can manage is a half hearted FU? The art of the comeback isn't so much how much you one-up the person...sometimes you can just have a comeback that is so bizarre that it completely diffuses the original insult. When delivered quickly and confidently without stumbling, these comebacks can be just crazy enough to work. Or at the very least, get you a few laughs.
Mix and match columns A B and C, edit grammar where needed.

You can
You can go
Oh yeah? Well (you are)
Your mom likes to
I hope you

Suck on
Screw a
Bury your face in
Manhandle a
Spoon a
Get cornholed by

C. (the fun part...pretty much anything can go here. The drunker your agressor the weirder your comeback can be while still being succesful)
Elephant seal
Lithuanian midget
Episcopalian missionary
Infected pigeon anus
Rosie O'Donnell
Whale wang
Vat of Crisco
Wasp Nest

I hope you get cornholed by an elephant seal.
You can go motorboat a wasp nest.
Your mom likes to manhandle Rosie O'Donnell.
Go suck on an infected pigeon anus.
You can spoon a lithuanian midget.

Shout out to readers I met at NY Comic con. Now that I know you exist I'm going to update a hell of a lot more!

Friday, April 11, 2008

This idea brought to you by insomnia

Extracurriculars that would never get approved by an academic institution.
Murder Club
Nipple Appreciation Club
Intramural Caber Tossing
UIOAH society (using inanimate objects as hats).
Profanity Scrabble League
Cross country food fighting
Jello Polo
Furry-Human Alliance
Lethargics Anonymous
Competitive Pooping
Crunchy Leaf Step Team
Meta Cheerleaders (cheerleaders who cheer on cheerleaders)
"Does this smell weird to you?" debate forum

Also, petting zoos are weird. Imagine if we all stood in a pen while small bears reached out and touched us.

I want to buy a starbucks and keep it the same except replace all of the sign with "Aarrrbucks" and put eyepatches on all of the signs.

Friday, March 28, 2008

INB Friday-fuck forks.

To interrupt normal behavior today, please eat with something besides utensils, chopsticks, and hands.
-Garden shovel
-Plastic comb (spaghetti).
-Trident. Most effective when eating steak.
-Animal bones from other food you are eating. Connect to your inner caveperson.
-Finger puppets.
-Action figures. Particularly if you have that one sabretooth from the late 80's that opens and closes his arms.
-Small children. Don't have them feed you, have them actualy hold their arm still while you pilot their hands.
-Dentist tools
-Sex toys (sterile plz. Remember-you can boil silicone toys!) Mmm...mashed potato mouth massage..
-Wolverine-style claws.
-Small taxidermied rodents. No better way to spice up a power lunch than eating a salad with a petrified squirell. Squirells also come with long, bushy napkins!
-A small hose or a large straw depending on how you look at it.
Bon appetit!

Thursday, March 27, 2008

20th post!

Yeah! 20 posts representing 20 counts of...stuff...happening...
To celebrate, here's a list of opinions/ideas I have.
1. Peeing in the shower is okay and should be because you can wash yourself afterwards and urine is sterile.
2. Drinks look better with umbrellas, but the wood affects the taste. Drink umbrellas should be made of biodegradeable plastic.
3. Not only do french fries taste good with ice cream, they taste better with ice cream.
4. Friends don't let friends have cameltoes.
5. Articulation is over rated. Zombies are barely articulate, but it is very clear what they want and they are very good at getting it.
6. You should be able to order how you want your bacon done at a diner the same way you order how you want your hamburger done.
7. Mass boycott of movie theater snack prices.
8. Nobody should or should not listen to any form of music based on their ethnic background. In fact, I think it takes much more courage to be a large black man who likes Britney Spears.
9. People who oppose birth control shouldn't spay their cats.
10. There should be a mattress that has the same consistency and warmth as human fat. I mean, when I hug fat people I just want to fall asleep in there.
11. Free food at the DMV. In pennsylvania, the DMV's and the government liquor stores should always ALWAYS be in the same building. Both funny and good for the economy!
12. Giant novelty foam male genetalia with #1 written on the side. Have zippers on the side so they can be attached to your fly.
13. For cats-catnip bongs so they can truly LOL.
14. Slutty cheerleaders for dog racing.
15. Ostritch shaped bendy lamps.
16. Back scratchers that don't fucking snap in half after 3 uses.
17. Life sized 13 dead end drive played with people and not pawns.
18. I think that if you have large thighs you should be given priority to sit by yourself on the train before other people sit next to you. I hate making people like that have to squish-you can't "suck in" your thigh fat. I think it should be considered a disability.
19. If you wear a kilt you are asking for it. I don't know how, or what you are asking for, but you are somehow asking for it.
20. You know how no matter good you get at something, you always know someone who is better at it? Well cheer up, because there is someone better than they are. Batman. And Batman is where that train STOPS.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

A spectrum of lies

White lies. Little lies you tell that don't really harm anyone, like "no, your butt does not look extra large when squished into those horizontal-striped cutoffs you bought at the vegan clothing bazaar last weekend, Chanelle". I believe however that all lies have a potential to be assigned to colors present on your conventional color spectrum. White, being the presence of all colors, has a potential to be linked to all of these definitions. But I will keep it's traditional meaning anyway on my spectrum of lies.

White: While these are innocent, they are generally not totally believable. Most people, save for those being lied to (many times including those being lied to) do not believe these, but understand your intentions. No harm done.
Black: Opposite of white lies. Usually lies that are both harmful and believable, such as nasty rumors that exploit a person's worst traits.
Yellow: Yellow is the color of nausea, so yellow is attributed to the lies that we use to cover up things that could be harmful to us or to others if they are discovered, such as an affair you are having with someone. These are the lies that compound upon themselves and create a nasty web or chain reaction, so that if they are discovered not only is your secret discovered, but the even more offensive series of lies.
Red: Similar to yellow lies but specific to covering up a violent crime.
Orange: Lies that are obviously lies. This is the color of "I'm drunk not" and "Oh my god, look over there! It's Elvis!". Orange is also the color of sarcasm.
Blue: A favorite lie of the emo in public, this is the depressing lie of "I'm okay." when you really aren't. Usually verbally expressed by the word "Fine" and mentally expressed by the feeling of "You don't understand me and you don't want to understand me and I hate you, but I don't feel like being the one to bring it up so I will be quietly angry with you until you do, and you will have to bring it up six or seven times before I tell you what is actually going on, compadre". Almost more infuriating than yellow, but somehow cause destruction only to the person being lied to and not the liar. A powerful weapon in the passive aggresive arsenal.
Green: Lies specifically related to recycling and environmental matters. Usually occur in conjunction with someone asking you if you are going to recycle something or if you buy your energy from wind sources. This someone may or may not have a clipboard.
Brown: Brown lies are when you lie about having performed an unpleasant bodily function in public. Also relates to lying about stinking up a bathroom/clogging a toilet.
Purple: Purple lies refer to when you act egotistical, particularly about the way you look, when really you are pretty insecure about yourself. This is one of the most difficult kind of lies for outsiders to discern as lies, because actual egotism looks practically identical. Purple lies are more annoying than harmful.
There are ways to vary these, which I am going to blow out into a full-length piece of prose relatively soon. They include color intensities and color combinations. Here are three examples of variations and combinations.
Indigo: Combination of purple and blue. When you lie and say you think you look ugly or fail at life in some aspect when you actually are pretty confident about how you look and how life is going. This is also known as compliment fishing. It is both egotistical and characteristically depressing. Indigo lying is the downfall of many relationships.
Neon Orange: These are lies that are not only obvious, but are so absurd that that it's virtually impossible to believe that they are true. "My hands are humpback whales" and "I was born and raised in a jar of crunchy peanut butter and there is still residue underneath my toenails" are both neon orange lies.
Primary Colored: These are lies small toddlers tell when the evidence that they are lying is behind them, like saying they didn't spill popcorn when it's around their feet and in their hair. This is not an orange lie because the toddler really believes that the lie is going to work, whereas orange liars are trying to be discovered.

Again, I intend to put these ideas into a full-blown prose piece. E-mail me for updates.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

How to sidestep the trick-or-treating age barrier

It hit me while I was doing the laundry-zombie caroling.
All carolers are in zombie makeup and dress. They go out halloween night to entertain households (who are already ready to recieve groups anyway) and sing top 20 hits, or classic christmas carols, or whatever with the lyrics re-arranged to be about eating brains, bites, and grunting.
You still get to dress up.
You still get candy.
AND you can frighten some childrens, or let them in on zombie safety. It's good to be prepared after all!
Yeah! This could even be taken in a Jehovah's witness direction and pamphlets could be handed out on zombie apocolypse preparation, prevention, and emergency strategies.
So yes, I am officially starting a zombie caroling group. Don't know how, but it's happening.

Monday, March 17, 2008


I didn't post for two months.
So here's an idea I've been kicking around the office.
Penthouse letters...with some dirty words and body parts strategically taken out...
and converted into mad libs.
I am considering calling them "bad libs" but that just seems too easy and corny. I'm willing to take suggestions.
Fill these in!
plural noun
plural noun
ING verb
ING verb
I have had (adjective) fantasies about a woman loving me. The two of us rubbing each and every inch of our (plural noun) together-our (plural noun) and titties (ING verb) against eachother. Now here was Teresa, and oh God, she turned me on so much I was (ING verb) wet.
Teehee. And why stop there?
The field x-rated children's games is all too tempting!
Porno scene it!
Candy land-the edible body tatoo gameboard version! (spin the wheel and lick your way through all of the flavors to the finish)!
Pretty Pretty Porncess- Comes with pasties, a g-string, fishnets and heels in all of the colors. You'll never guess where the black ring goes!
Pimpopoly-buy up turf from baltic to broadway and start running brothels. four brothels=one love hotel. People who land on your square lose money depending on how classy your hos are. But don't land on the chance card could end up with syphillis. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars.
Tittlywinks-the game is the same, the location must be willing. Concentric circles are drawn around the nipple and point values assigned.
I tried to think of one for sorry but that just happens to often in sex.

Sunday, January 20, 2008


INB special Sunday edition.

I keep forgetting to post on Fridays!
Anyway, some INB's-refer to foodstuffs in more literal terms than people are willing to normally.
Hamburgers/roast beef sandwiches=Would you like some cow sandwiches?
Eggs=Fresh from the chicken's vag!
Cheese=How about some mold?
Yogurt=How about some bacteria?
Mushrooms=How about some fungus?
Wine=Care for some old grape juice?
Ham=Pig ass!
It's pretty easy to make food gross. If you are not squeamish, this is a great way to keep all of the food to yourself.
'nother INB: hum whenever you are walking somewhere, kind of like hummingbirds and bees do when they fly.
Say hi to everyone. And I DO mean everyone. But always act like you know them.
I'm also a big fan of setting up Caution signs in safe areas. Caution signs and orange cones are great resources if you can get your hands on them. More practical jokey than they are INB's, but still fun. Like just put four orange cones around a stapler in the middle of a hallway. Or put them around a cloth with something under it. People will be more likely to leave that one alone. Caution tape is great for saving yourself a seat at a coffee shop or cafeteria. But really, nothing is better than just a lone Caution sign. Keeps people on their toes, ya know?
Also when someone you don't want to talk to asks you how you are doing, just tell them it hasn't been the same since the war. Then look at something over their shoulder and start muttering under your breath. Then run at whatever it was you were looking at.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008


Everything is cheesier, more hilarious, and more awesome when you add "on ice" to the end of it. Ice shows are just inherently fabulous somehow. I've been doing many list posts lately, but I couldn't resist this.
Perscription Drugs on Ice!
Batman on Ice!
How to Program Your VCR on Ice!
Comprehensive Sex Education on Ice!
Judge Judy on Ice!
Exterminators on Ice!
Lumberjacks on Ice!
Alchoholics Anonymous on Ice!
Thai Mail Order Brides on Ice!
Porn on Ice!
Coma Patients on Ice!
Our Parents Made us be on Ice!
Narcoleptics on Ice!
These are even funnier if you combine them!
Narcoleptic Thai Mail Order Brides on Ice!
Comatose Exterminators on Ice!
Lumberjack Porn on Ice!
Alcoholic Batman on Ice!
Judge Judy teaches you to Program your VCR on Ice!
Narcoleptic Comprehensive Sex ed on Ice!
Thai Mail Order Brides teach you about Perscription Drugs on Ice!
Comatose Batman on Ice!
The list goes on. Have fun!

Saturday, January 12, 2008


YEAH so this is why I could never be a webcomic artist. I failed to post. I will make no new years resolutions about posting because they will be promptly broken. So extra long post for my small scattering of readers!
Anyway, why are humans the only animals that open-mouth kiss? To the best of my knowledge, we are. Although I wonder about dogs as I have been licked in the mouth by overzealous dogs (although I do not see them do it to eachother anywhere near as much).
But goddamnit other animals have got to think we are total psychos. Think of how weird it would be if the below list of animals decided to start french kissing.
-Bears (OH SHIT)
The list goes dude. French kissing is weird. Personally I think sex is more natural than french kissing and feeling people up. Imagine if cows felt eachother up. I'm not talking sex, I mean one cow kind of just poking another cow's udder with it's hoof and the other enjoying it. MUuu.
A Harlequin novel about the sex life of a cow would be pretty short. The cow mounted the other cow, the cow had sex, the end.
Anyway, if anyone runs across a couple of squirrels sucking face, let me know. I'll promptly take down this post and sit in awe.
In closing, here is a list of creepy things you can do to your face.
-Miniature marsmallow on every tooth
-Stuff every orafice with parsley (poofy side up)
-Unrolled fruit rollups in your nose
-Paint large perspective-shaded holes that resemble tunnels on each cheek
-Write the entire lord's prayer on your face
-Baby handprints all over your face
-Baby footprints all over your face
-Lots of plastic pustulating sores from your local halloween supply store, accompanied by kissy lipstick imprints everywhere
-Tape a condom to your head
-Tape sponges painted with foundation to match your skin tone everywhere.
-Put a tape or MP3 player in your mouth and hold your mouth wide open while blasting the British national anthem.
Wink at attractive people during all of this.