Thursday, June 5, 2008

Heroes and misc.

First off, if you really need my insanity and I don't update, read yourself some Mark Leyner because he is better at what I do.

Innefective Superheroes

-Captain Narcolepsy
-The Agoraphobe
-Carniwhore. Specializes in uncanny imitations of raw meat.
-Awkward Silence Boy
-The Bystander
-The Captain Boy Man. (an amalgam of male superhero prefixes and suffixes).
-John McCain in spandex
That last one has a potential to be a fab supervillain.

I think that improv everywhere should get someone to put on false beaver teeth and gnaw on vertical wooden objects. Or hover around the Hoover dam looking posessive. Or they should hold a beaver king paegent for the Hoover dam annually. That'd be great. The Governator would probably be able to win that one. Governor of California and Beaver King of the Hoover Dam. What a great way to introduce someone.
I've invented the ultimate pick up line for hetero boys:
"Hey, do you want some of this chocolate? I was going to give it to my girlfriend tonight but she kind of broke up with me on the phone before I got here... "

Saturday, May 3, 2008

More rejected non fiction book titles

-Who let the logs out? The art of competitive pooping
-The sound of purple: one man's trip
-Personal salvation through wanking
-My nose hurts!
-It takes a village to cause a Wal-Mart
-My meth lab brought all the boys to the yard
-Cannibalism: what friends are fork
-The 7,000,000 habits of highly effective OCD.
-Battle of the bulge: fashion tips for kleptomaniacs
-What's so hot about pyromania?
-How my attention span got

Wednesday, April 30, 2008


I admire the exclamation point. Of all the sentence enders, it has the most profound effect. While a question mark causes a weird uncomfortable turn in the tone? A period is just boring. But an exclamation point! WOW!!!! How amazing!
The english major in me wishes that there were more punctuation marks like the exclamation point. I want to create a system of punctuation that has new endpoints to completely change the tone of your sentence into variations ranging from loud and angry to obscure variations like "growling like you have laryngitis and replacing your r's with w's".
I originally wanted to do this by using the red-headed stepchild of fonts, wingdings. But I realize that most of those symbols are two complex to handwrite, already have meanings, and they often change on you the minute you copy and paste them somewhere else. Useless.
So instead I'll just name the marks. Possibly draw them later.

The Feariod-Gives the sentence a dry, frightening, murderous and psychotic tone, said with wide eyes and no laughter. "I killed your parents".
The Bleariod-For blue lies (read a spectrum of lies if you do not know of my lie color-coding system).
The Ejaculation Point-A mark to imply that the sentence sounded like you said it during an orgasm.
The Agitation Point-Pretty self explanatory. Loudly and angrily, or loudly and sarcastically.
The Sequestion Mark-The tone of the sentence takes on a tone of a pass, seduction, peer pressure, or the soliciting of a prostitute.
The Gravitation Point-only for long sentences, implying that you start saying the sentence at the lowest possible tone your voice can possibly go, or the lowest possible volume. Then you crescendo so that by the time you reach the gravitation point you are either squealing or screaming.
The Descension Point-opposite of the gravitation point.
The Fuddulation Point-everything is said in an Elmer Fudd voice.
The Rhestion Mark-Rhetorical question mark. The world would be less confusing, truly. Especially on instant messenger.
The Excremation Point-Implying that you said the sentence in the same strained tone of voice one requires when taking a particularly large and difficult shit. Good for breakups.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Hopeless Cause Tuesdays: Birds without Air

The biggest privelege that god bestowed on our feathered friends is the gift of flight. It is a gift we give to our superheroes. It is a gift we dream about. We even get so jealous that we build giant metal birds that smell like freeze dried coffee and inhalants and suck real birds into their engines.

But what about the birds who remain on the ground? Chickens? Penguins? These are the unfortunate birds who can't fly. It is a horrible evolutionary mis-step. I feel as though if we can develop vision correction surgery and make giant hunks of metal fly, there should be no moral qualms about giving birds the gift of flight via robotic enhancement. Perhaps chickens would be less ill tempered if they got a piece of the sky a few hours a day before being asked to systematically give birth or be killed for delicious culinary purposes.

And penguins...well, the picture should speak for itself.

Support this cause. Because without flight, what is the point of birds?

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

rejected self-help book titles/ inspirational memoirs

-Poop out your feelings
-Chicken Soup for the Vegetarian's Soul (if it exists, I demand to know why)
-The Audacity of Grope: Journeys of a Barfly
-How I Made Cancer Drop the Soap
-A Million Little Red Bumps
-Chasing the Dragon, Finding the Potbelly: How Bacon Got Me Away From the Needle.
-Beastiality, Shmeastiality.
-I Got 99 Problems but Internal Bleeding Ain't One.
-You Can Pick Your Friends, You Can Pick Your Food, but You Can't Shove Your Penis in A USB Port.

Monday, April 21, 2008

Creative comebacks/ insults

How many times have you wanted to have a decent comeback, but all you can manage is a half hearted FU? The art of the comeback isn't so much how much you one-up the person...sometimes you can just have a comeback that is so bizarre that it completely diffuses the original insult. When delivered quickly and confidently without stumbling, these comebacks can be just crazy enough to work. Or at the very least, get you a few laughs.
Mix and match columns A B and C, edit grammar where needed.

You can
You can go
Oh yeah? Well (you are)
Your mom likes to
I hope you

Suck on
Screw a
Bury your face in
Manhandle a
Spoon a
Get cornholed by

C. (the fun part...pretty much anything can go here. The drunker your agressor the weirder your comeback can be while still being succesful)
Elephant seal
Lithuanian midget
Episcopalian missionary
Infected pigeon anus
Rosie O'Donnell
Whale wang
Vat of Crisco
Wasp Nest

I hope you get cornholed by an elephant seal.
You can go motorboat a wasp nest.
Your mom likes to manhandle Rosie O'Donnell.
Go suck on an infected pigeon anus.
You can spoon a lithuanian midget.

Shout out to readers I met at NY Comic con. Now that I know you exist I'm going to update a hell of a lot more!

Friday, April 11, 2008

This idea brought to you by insomnia

Extracurriculars that would never get approved by an academic institution.
Murder Club
Nipple Appreciation Club
Intramural Caber Tossing
UIOAH society (using inanimate objects as hats).
Profanity Scrabble League
Cross country food fighting
Jello Polo
Furry-Human Alliance
Lethargics Anonymous
Competitive Pooping
Crunchy Leaf Step Team
Meta Cheerleaders (cheerleaders who cheer on cheerleaders)
"Does this smell weird to you?" debate forum

Also, petting zoos are weird. Imagine if we all stood in a pen while small bears reached out and touched us.

I want to buy a starbucks and keep it the same except replace all of the sign with "Aarrrbucks" and put eyepatches on all of the signs.