Thursday, December 27, 2007

Activity time!

This is a fun relaxation exercise.
Try to imagine the BEST DAY EVER. Meaning pack every minute with fortune and glory. Sit down and imagine, if you will, what would happen if all of these things happened in one day:
Eating the best sandwich ever.
Having sex or cuddling with the best person ever (if you're not into that sort of thing, the best person ever can be you)
Finding $100
Getting a new job
Finishing something crappy that you had to do
Sleeping an amazing amount in really REALLY comfy bed
Bumping into somebody you've wanted to see for 10 years (be it celebrity or long lost friend)
Having school or work canceled for some reason in your favor (like power failure in the building, no national tragedies).
Getting a bunch of hugs.
Anyway, this one wasn't really humorous unless you imagine happening over a span of ten minutes.
Like you wake up after having really great sex and a lot of sleep and you find a hundred dollars wedged between your toes and a sandwich on your bedstand and then you get a call telling you you've been hired and the person hiring you is Christopher Walken (or insert awesome name) , get another call saying that your work at nasty drill bit factory was canceled due to stampeding panda who hurt no one. Then you leave the room and everyone has thrown you a surprise party because they knew about your job already and they all hug you and one person says they did all your taxes. Somehow the identical twin of who you were just with jumps out of a cake and suggests a threesome. Now you have an awesome ten minutes and stampeding panda pictures!
Imagine this and see if your mind isn't blown!

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Long car trips.

In a season where many have to visit their families, regardless of whether they actually want to, there can be many long car trips.
These can be tedious and horrible, especially if you're in the car with other people.
So here's some benign ideas for the car.

Are we there yet?
This simple little question is one of the age-old enjoyments of children in the backseats of cars. However, at best, it's probably only worth about 10 minutes of entertainment, 20 if you can repeat it in different languages.
Simply switching up some of the pronouns can make this little question fun for everyone.
"Am I there yet?" when people answer you, tell them you weren't asking them. Repeat this to yourself as many times as you want.
"Is it here yet?" Just look fearful and don't answer people when you repeat this. If they really pump you for an answer, leave it cryptic ("You don't know?"). Only claim that it has arrived if either the sun rises or sets during your drive. Make sure you repeatedly cross yourself. "Are they here yet?" also works.
"Is she/he there yet?" point at other cars.
"Is she/he here yet?" point at someone in the car.
"Are you there yet?" This works primarily as a driver's retort to "Are we there yet?" confusing only for small children really. "We can't get there until you do, so think faster".

Rest areas
Only one option really. Order one thing from every crappy sub-standard chain in the rest area and host a rest area iron chef. Extra points for the person who can think of a desert that doesn't involve Cinnabon. Wait a half an hour after eating so the car doesn't fill up with the fartness.
Don't do this if you are only traveling with a signifigant other. Use this time to become members of the 34 1/2 miles down the highway club. Works best at campsites. Not reccomended for those with motion sickness.

If you are alone, give yourself 5 points for every second of eye contact you can have with someone in another car without them speeding up/slowing down to avoid you. Do NOT follow them for another round, the beauty of this game is that it is vaguely unsettling without involving police interaction.
Got children? Dress them up like dogs and have them stick their heads out the window. Have them bark at other dogs. Or just get a friend to do it. Large hairy gamer nerd types work well with this.
Try to get in a conversation with SUV drivers or truckers about why their car or truck needs to be so tall. Play psychiatrist with them on this one. If you have one too, turn it into more of a support group feel.
Write non-existent sport's teams names on your car with spirit foam. "GO BLENDERS!" Combine two old school car pranks into one epic one: ghost ride the chinese fire drill.

That's all I got for now. I might extend this list on the later.

Monday, December 24, 2007

Poking fun at leprosy is hardly benign.

I decided not to write any life suggestions for lepers because when I google imaged lepers, my gut got the better of me. It's horrible that people suffer from something so cureable.
However, for some reason the biblical artwork that the search turned up was really misrepresentative. Every leprosy victim actually pictured was from a third world country and horribly disfigured. However, most biblical drawings end up looking like this.

This man does not look like a leper at all. Even if he had just been healed, he would still probably be poor and malnourished and have long hair and no makeup. Sparkly blue eyes would probably also not have been present.

See, that makes more sense. Of course once you start re-captioning pictures it starts to get out of hand. Re-captionings are like chair legs; it's very hard to just make one.

And after awhile it gets so offensive that you have to stop.

Yeah, i knew I had to cut it out when I almost made a "got milk" one.
So yeah, you want to have a benign idea? I'll tell you right now, it will not start with lepers.

So yeah, this is a crack at misrepresentative biblical artwork, not lepers. Lepers deserve just as much respect as anyone else fighting a horrible disease.

People who make every character in the bible whitewashed, not so much.

Sunday, December 23, 2007

Pastry Parlors

I had a thought. I am kind of upset at the moment, and I thought that what I could really use was a backrub and somebody feeding me creampuffs or just being in my own place with some cocoa. They should have places where you rent alone time by the half hour and you are delivered treats. Seriously, I would kill to be able to walk somewhere else and sit in a massage chair and drink hot cocoa.
I think you can do this at spas, but it's muy expensive.
Also I think that people who oppose violent music should organize buy up all the tickets at the concerts in question then just wave rainbow flags and blow bubbles and stuff while they are in the audience. Maybe run around in care bear costumes. Throw around a beach ball. I mean really, happy peaceful protest is the way to go, not just yelling at the kids listening to the blasted rap music or picketing outside. Go to the source. Hug 'em where they live! I think that even 50 cent can understand that in general, people want to be happy and not plug eachother. Getting shot kind of sucks!
Give someone a hug today!

Friday, December 21, 2007

INB Friday #2

Interrupting normal behavior, the elevator edition.
The easiest way to screw with people in an elevator is to simply walk into a crowded one and face the other way. Meaning stand in front of the doors and stare at everyone. This can be coupled with any creepy conversation topic or just blistering silence. Creepy conversation topics include your medical conditions, how you bought a shirt similar to one someone else had in the elevator but it was riddled with lice, or what the elevator smells like. Be creative! For added fun, wait a couple seconds before moving away from the open elevator gap. Let them wonder if you are going to let them out.
Also good options:
-Walk into elevator. Remove golf ball from mouth and put it in your pocket.
-Walk into elevator. Walk towards the back corner, curl up in a fetal position.
-Walk into elevator. Take place towards the back. Make sure no one is looking and blow bubbles at the ceiling and quickly put them in your pocket.
-Walk into elevator. Activate inflatable raft.
If you are alone, you can feel free to redecorate. Political propaganda posters are reccomended, as well as shag carpeting or bubble wrap on the floors and walls. Act as though you have no idea who put anything there. Also good ideas for if you are alone:
-Play dead until the doors open. Get up a couple of seconds after they do, walk out nonchalant.
-Tap dance.
-Prop yourself up in one of the corners near the ceiling. Remain quiet until your floor comes up. Preferably jump down when someone else has joined the elevator who hasn't noticed you. This is fun for that situation when a door opens for a floor and no one knows who pressed the button.
-Just stand really close to the doors so you are nose to nose with the person waiting for the next elevator when they open.
-Replace all of the button numbers with people's names.
If you have two people:
-Bolt out when the doors open, person behind you holding a hilarious or serious weapon of his or her choosing (rubber chicken, broadsword, sledgehammer, phil collins vinyls scotch taped to each hand, ect.).
-When the doors close, have one person scream and the other person yell "DON'T WORRY, THEY'LL OPEN AGAIN!".
-Just have one person hold the other person cradle style the entire elevator ride.
-Elevator boxing.
-Elevator fencing (continue battle out the doors).
-Elevator shotput.
The general success of these pranks has everything to do with what building your elevator of choice is in. Choose wisely! And for the love of pete, don't do this at your workplace unless you run the place or have bulletproof job security.
This has been me with INB friday.
Bonus extra:
To create a conspiracy theory, create a column of widely used or seen things or establishments:
Cell Phones
Wal Mart
The Government
McDonald's Cheeseburgers

And then just slap on "controlled by aliens"

Another activity for your weekend: mix and match these words to create your own shitty Chinese restaurant name!

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Hopeless cause Tuesdays: dinosaur awareness.

In elementary school we often learned about dinosaurs. We were read Magic School Bus books, given action figures, and taken to the natural history museum. Ask any little boy you know what the difference between a Triceratops and a T-Rex is, and he'll be able to tell you. Heck, in my generation (pre-apology here to anyone this might make feel old), Jurrasic park came out when we were in elementary school. Ages 3-8 dinasours were hip. And they ought to be! We need to pay the utmost respect to our towering reptilian ancestors! Because if they ever come back, they need to be on our side or, quite frankly, we are toast. The kind of toast pressed down to the earth with grill markings in the shape of dinosaur feet. (mental note, invent toast press with dinosaur footprints.)

But unfortunately, after elementary school, dinosaurs lose importance. No classes in the junior high or high school curriculum focus on dinasours at all. Projects are never assigned about dinosaurs, and people rarely talk about them or wear them on their shirts.

This, quite frankly, is ridiculous. Dinosaurs are an important part of world history, and they represent a society where all nations could band together and coexist, literally melted together on the ocean skillet in one giant terraform pangea-cake. (Is it glaringly obvious that I wrote this entry before eating breakfast?).

We should respect our dinasour predecessors. They inherited the earth once without causing global warming issues or bratz dolls. Quite frankly, i'm not sure why they perished and not us. I'm pretty sure we've been trying a lot harder to kill ourselves.

Anyway, there are many ways you can promote dinosaur awareness in everyday life.

First off, this oatmeal, just because it involves dinosaurs, is assumed to be for children. Personally I think that dinosaurs are for EVERYONE.

Serve this up at your next breakfast faculty meeting!!

I have heard rumor of a "pterodactyls are pterrifying" tote bag on sale somewhere. Please seek it out and comment me a link.

If you go to Kutztown University of Pennsylvania, it is possible to enroll in a course specifically about dinosaurs. Not Paelontology-dinosaurs. This allows you to examine the pure beauty of dinosaurs without that silly "science" stuff getting in the way.

Also, check out the dinosaur store!

It's a fact: dinosaurs kick ass! Make pterodactyl noises at your loved one today. I'm sure he or she will be elated.

Saturday, December 15, 2007

Strengthening our borders.

While our country foolishly focuses on illegal immigrants sourcing the southern border, we have ignored an increasingly dangerous migration from the north.

They're militant. They destroy property. They congregate in public with little or no regard to peace and quiet, yet the police force is too weak to charge them with disorderly conduct, no matter how much noise they make. Their forces are arrogant enough to fly over us in formation because they know that we are too weak and spineless a nation to do anything. They create fear in public parks and day camps; places where it should be safe for our children to play and eat sandwiches.

Of course by now you should know of whom I speak.

It is true that illegal immigrants crossing the southern border can create legal problems with citizenship, under-the-table labor, and irreversible classist and racist divisions. But they are not so arrogant as to walk into high society's most well-preserved havens (country clubs and golf courses) and have bowel movements all over the lawn.

These invaders with their black, soulless eyes need to be stopped. Feeding the ducks, a formerly harmless passtime has become hazardous due to these Canadian miscreants. Countless booboos have been reported from small children who only wanted to "Give Mr. Ducky his breakfast". The hissing, snappy, profusely pooping perpetrators have a totalitarian rule over formerly sacred family environments.

Many people believe I am over-reacting. But if they can fly in formation, they can further organize to destroy us.

Don't be naive. Fight our invaders. It's the American thing to do.

Friday, December 14, 2007

INB Friday #1

Welcome to Friday!
On fridays I'm going to tell you a fun way to interrupt normal behavior (INB).
Your task today-try to have a serious conversation with someone but put your arms anywhere but where you think they are supposed to be.
Ways to do this
-Point at something far away
-Raise your arms above your head and bend your wrists ala T-rex or monster.
-Put both hands on your face.
-Grab your butt.
-"I'm a little tea pot"
-Spell words with your body that have no relation to what you are saying. Use sign language if you're bold.
-Up in fists like you are about to fight
-Hands on your hips, legs spread wide.
-Arms straight out in front of you, palms flat. Not reccomended if you are talking to a woman or un homme avec man teats.
-Hands on your ears. This is cute if you're in a large group of people all trying to talk to you.
-Hands on your knees. Doo wop if desired.
-Spirit fingers.
-Suck your thumb.
Or you can just start slapping yourself every time someone starts talking.
Why just stand there when you can be awesome?

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Quick thoughts.

We need to shake this government like an etch-a-sketch.
And if all furniture was inflatable and filled with helium, it would be much easier to vaccuum/ find the remote. We'd just have to get rid of pointy stucco ceilings and pointy chandeliers.
Somehow I feel as though lounge singers would be cooler if they dressed like wolves in suits. In this day and age, lounge singers are undervalued due to American Idol critics scoffing. But honestly I don't think that Simon Cowell could take a wolf in a fight.
Randy, maybe. I don't know. I feel like he'd be more likely to make friends with the wolf. Or ally against him and rally against simon. Paula would have run.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Good idea/ weird idea

Good idea: extra line for people just buying coffee at Wawa. Or any convenience store, but Wawa would be that much more awesome if it had an express coffee lane.

Weird idea: are you a parent? Do you babysit? Are you in any kind of childcare industry whatsoever? Do you have a foul mouth or feel the urge to frequently curse around those adorably cute little bastard buckets of sunshine?
Well then I have an idea for you.
The earmuff glove.
Just telling your kids to put on "earmuffs" so that they cover their ears before you say something foul doesn't really work. Those tiny pourous hands just let the obscenity through!
Instead, I propose a glove with an attached smaller version of professional earmuffs used by people that work around explosions and heavy machinery. They are tinier, of course, to suit tiny ears and to not pull on the fabric of tiny gloves. When you say "earmuffs" your children will clamp those decibel-protecting cups onto their ears and you can feel free to talk about your adult exploits without having to wait until later (and if you're a parent, I'm fully aware that there is no "later").
(Mental note-save a Tuesday for the soccer mom liberation front).
The gloves are decorated with all of their favorite pre-k superstars like spongebob, hello kitty, and thomas the tank engine.
Keep in mind however that the success of this relies on child cooperation and your ability to remember to say earmuffs before yelling an obscenity. This invention is innefective in situations where you drop a brick on your foot or your child has a sudden blowout on your new pants.
Live free! Talk foul! Nuture your child!
Buy Glovemuffs today!
Availible never from ShortStackSutin industries.
Comedic in nature, benign by design.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Hopeless cause Tuesdays: mullet awareness.

Hello there! I have decided to dedicate Tuesday's posts to hopeless causes. These are the causes no one fights for because not only are they hopeless, they have little or no impact on society. They are eyesore problems no one really tries to solve in light of other more pressing issues. This makes them fit properly under the heading "Benign Ideas".

Today's hopeless cause:

Mullets. I am a firm believer in being able to express oneself in any fashion. Every person has the right to do what they will with their body, their hair, and their body parts.
My stance on this issue is that while I am pro-choice, I am also anti-mullet. So the argument immediately can be set against me that if I do not like mullets, then I should not get one myself. This is true, and I respect people's decisions to have and to not have their mullet. However I feel as though it is my righteous duty to educate others about the dangers of mullets.
According to wikipedia, mullets were grown to keep the neck from being sunburned while still providing a breeze through the top of the hair. In this sense, it is a practical haircut for people in such industries like fishing, farming, lifeguarding, and desert camel rental (though many people in the latter industry opt for headscarfs, a safer more removable form of "cloth mullet").
Mullets present many dangerous psychological side effects.
1.Loss of identity. You may become known as the girl/guy with the mullet instead of your own name. Your name can be replaced with Mullet Boy/Girl, Mullet Head, Mullet Face, and, the most devastating Mullet *insert your name here*, thereby mixing your birth identity permanently with a haircut decision that may have taken a split second. This nomenclature may stick even years after you have removed the haircut.
2.Mullet upkeep is tedious and one may find themselves obsessively tending to their mullet after recieving their first mullet to avoid looking like an ill-tended palm tree sporting excessive dead leaf growth. This mullet maitenance can take precious seconds away from family commitments.
3. Mullets have the double edged sword of simultaneously raising one's carnal libido while simultaneously drastically reducing the sexual desirability of the wearer. This can lead to madness, depression, and chafing.
4. Mullets can lead to more dangerous hair complications such as rat tails, which have been proven the leading cause of death in areas heavily populated by large birds of prey.
I again stress that whether or not you choose to have your mullet is strictly up to you, however I pray that you consider the effect that your mullet may have on your loved ones. Along with headscarfs there are several loving options availible to the general public such as mullet wigs, large floppy hats, dreadlocks, and children that like to ride on people's shoulders. Consult a stylist about what option works best for you.
Choose what is best for your hair-think twice before getting a mullet.
Because why have a hairstyle that says "Velveeta" when it could say "Pesto Brie"?

Monday, December 10, 2007

Le premier post: canine vocal modification

Welcome! This is my triumphant return to the blogosphere! Triumphant in that I will not be discussing my life! Because who wants to hear that? Certainly not me, I was there when it happened.
Instead, this will be an open forum for my useless brainstorms that have no place in the world other than the mysterious land of the hypothetical.
o to start-dogs bark. It's their right to bark. But when they bark late at night and wake up the whole neighborhood there starts to be problems. I recognize a dogs slightly constitutional right to bark, however at night it can be a slight problem. My solution: voice adapters for dogs. Strap this handy device on your dog (which can either fit like a more comfortable muzzle, or a tiny microphone in the mouth, the science of which I have not thought about) and instead of barking your dog will make soothing ocean noises or bird sounds. I call it the discordian dog adapter. Also great fun at parties when your dog's percussive barking is transformed into oomphy techno music. Attach a biscuit to it's tail for a repeated sample!
Every post will be like this. Stay tuned.