Friday, March 28, 2008

INB Friday-fuck forks.

To interrupt normal behavior today, please eat with something besides utensils, chopsticks, and hands.
-Garden shovel
-Plastic comb (spaghetti).
-Trident. Most effective when eating steak.
-Animal bones from other food you are eating. Connect to your inner caveperson.
-Finger puppets.
-Action figures. Particularly if you have that one sabretooth from the late 80's that opens and closes his arms.
-Small children. Don't have them feed you, have them actualy hold their arm still while you pilot their hands.
-Dentist tools
-Sex toys (sterile plz. Remember-you can boil silicone toys!) Mmm...mashed potato mouth massage..
-Wolverine-style claws.
-Small taxidermied rodents. No better way to spice up a power lunch than eating a salad with a petrified squirell. Squirells also come with long, bushy napkins!
-A small hose or a large straw depending on how you look at it.
Bon appetit!

Thursday, March 27, 2008

20th post!

Yeah! 20 posts representing 20 counts of...stuff...happening...
To celebrate, here's a list of opinions/ideas I have.
1. Peeing in the shower is okay and should be because you can wash yourself afterwards and urine is sterile.
2. Drinks look better with umbrellas, but the wood affects the taste. Drink umbrellas should be made of biodegradeable plastic.
3. Not only do french fries taste good with ice cream, they taste better with ice cream.
4. Friends don't let friends have cameltoes.
5. Articulation is over rated. Zombies are barely articulate, but it is very clear what they want and they are very good at getting it.
6. You should be able to order how you want your bacon done at a diner the same way you order how you want your hamburger done.
7. Mass boycott of movie theater snack prices.
8. Nobody should or should not listen to any form of music based on their ethnic background. In fact, I think it takes much more courage to be a large black man who likes Britney Spears.
9. People who oppose birth control shouldn't spay their cats.
10. There should be a mattress that has the same consistency and warmth as human fat. I mean, when I hug fat people I just want to fall asleep in there.
11. Free food at the DMV. In pennsylvania, the DMV's and the government liquor stores should always ALWAYS be in the same building. Both funny and good for the economy!
12. Giant novelty foam male genetalia with #1 written on the side. Have zippers on the side so they can be attached to your fly.
13. For cats-catnip bongs so they can truly LOL.
14. Slutty cheerleaders for dog racing.
15. Ostritch shaped bendy lamps.
16. Back scratchers that don't fucking snap in half after 3 uses.
17. Life sized 13 dead end drive played with people and not pawns.
18. I think that if you have large thighs you should be given priority to sit by yourself on the train before other people sit next to you. I hate making people like that have to squish-you can't "suck in" your thigh fat. I think it should be considered a disability.
19. If you wear a kilt you are asking for it. I don't know how, or what you are asking for, but you are somehow asking for it.
20. You know how no matter good you get at something, you always know someone who is better at it? Well cheer up, because there is someone better than they are. Batman. And Batman is where that train STOPS.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

A spectrum of lies

White lies. Little lies you tell that don't really harm anyone, like "no, your butt does not look extra large when squished into those horizontal-striped cutoffs you bought at the vegan clothing bazaar last weekend, Chanelle". I believe however that all lies have a potential to be assigned to colors present on your conventional color spectrum. White, being the presence of all colors, has a potential to be linked to all of these definitions. But I will keep it's traditional meaning anyway on my spectrum of lies.

White: While these are innocent, they are generally not totally believable. Most people, save for those being lied to (many times including those being lied to) do not believe these, but understand your intentions. No harm done.
Black: Opposite of white lies. Usually lies that are both harmful and believable, such as nasty rumors that exploit a person's worst traits.
Yellow: Yellow is the color of nausea, so yellow is attributed to the lies that we use to cover up things that could be harmful to us or to others if they are discovered, such as an affair you are having with someone. These are the lies that compound upon themselves and create a nasty web or chain reaction, so that if they are discovered not only is your secret discovered, but the even more offensive series of lies.
Red: Similar to yellow lies but specific to covering up a violent crime.
Orange: Lies that are obviously lies. This is the color of "I'm drunk not" and "Oh my god, look over there! It's Elvis!". Orange is also the color of sarcasm.
Blue: A favorite lie of the emo in public, this is the depressing lie of "I'm okay." when you really aren't. Usually verbally expressed by the word "Fine" and mentally expressed by the feeling of "You don't understand me and you don't want to understand me and I hate you, but I don't feel like being the one to bring it up so I will be quietly angry with you until you do, and you will have to bring it up six or seven times before I tell you what is actually going on, compadre". Almost more infuriating than yellow, but somehow cause destruction only to the person being lied to and not the liar. A powerful weapon in the passive aggresive arsenal.
Green: Lies specifically related to recycling and environmental matters. Usually occur in conjunction with someone asking you if you are going to recycle something or if you buy your energy from wind sources. This someone may or may not have a clipboard.
Brown: Brown lies are when you lie about having performed an unpleasant bodily function in public. Also relates to lying about stinking up a bathroom/clogging a toilet.
Purple: Purple lies refer to when you act egotistical, particularly about the way you look, when really you are pretty insecure about yourself. This is one of the most difficult kind of lies for outsiders to discern as lies, because actual egotism looks practically identical. Purple lies are more annoying than harmful.
There are ways to vary these, which I am going to blow out into a full-length piece of prose relatively soon. They include color intensities and color combinations. Here are three examples of variations and combinations.
Indigo: Combination of purple and blue. When you lie and say you think you look ugly or fail at life in some aspect when you actually are pretty confident about how you look and how life is going. This is also known as compliment fishing. It is both egotistical and characteristically depressing. Indigo lying is the downfall of many relationships.
Neon Orange: These are lies that are not only obvious, but are so absurd that that it's virtually impossible to believe that they are true. "My hands are humpback whales" and "I was born and raised in a jar of crunchy peanut butter and there is still residue underneath my toenails" are both neon orange lies.
Primary Colored: These are lies small toddlers tell when the evidence that they are lying is behind them, like saying they didn't spill popcorn when it's around their feet and in their hair. This is not an orange lie because the toddler really believes that the lie is going to work, whereas orange liars are trying to be discovered.

Again, I intend to put these ideas into a full-blown prose piece. E-mail me for updates.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

How to sidestep the trick-or-treating age barrier

It hit me while I was doing the laundry-zombie caroling.
All carolers are in zombie makeup and dress. They go out halloween night to entertain households (who are already ready to recieve groups anyway) and sing top 20 hits, or classic christmas carols, or whatever with the lyrics re-arranged to be about eating brains, bites, and grunting.
You still get to dress up.
You still get candy.
AND you can frighten some childrens, or let them in on zombie safety. It's good to be prepared after all!
Yeah! This could even be taken in a Jehovah's witness direction and pamphlets could be handed out on zombie apocolypse preparation, prevention, and emergency strategies.
So yes, I am officially starting a zombie caroling group. Don't know how, but it's happening.

Monday, March 17, 2008


I didn't post for two months.
So here's an idea I've been kicking around the office.
Penthouse letters...with some dirty words and body parts strategically taken out...
and converted into mad libs.
I am considering calling them "bad libs" but that just seems too easy and corny. I'm willing to take suggestions.
Fill these in!
plural noun
plural noun
ING verb
ING verb
I have had (adjective) fantasies about a woman loving me. The two of us rubbing each and every inch of our (plural noun) together-our (plural noun) and titties (ING verb) against eachother. Now here was Teresa, and oh God, she turned me on so much I was (ING verb) wet.
Teehee. And why stop there?
The field x-rated children's games is all too tempting!
Porno scene it!
Candy land-the edible body tatoo gameboard version! (spin the wheel and lick your way through all of the flavors to the finish)!
Pretty Pretty Porncess- Comes with pasties, a g-string, fishnets and heels in all of the colors. You'll never guess where the black ring goes!
Pimpopoly-buy up turf from baltic to broadway and start running brothels. four brothels=one love hotel. People who land on your square lose money depending on how classy your hos are. But don't land on the chance card could end up with syphillis. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars.
Tittlywinks-the game is the same, the location must be willing. Concentric circles are drawn around the nipple and point values assigned.
I tried to think of one for sorry but that just happens to often in sex.